


A Guide to Licking Your Cardassian

by epic_cephalopod



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Alien Biology, Crack Fic, Drugs, F/M, Humor, M/M, Mind/Mood Altering Substances, Non-Monogamy, Non-binary character, Polyamory, Sex pollen?, but then why are you even here, but you need to sex to get the substance, cardassian xenobiology, everyone loves garak, it probably say more about me than them, its not really a substance that makes you want to sex, look i don't know why i like to write fic about star trek characters getting high, luxury gay space socialism, non-binary femme, phlebotinum, sex pheremones, unless you consider a cardassian erection a downside, well except the bajorans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-11
Updated: 2019-05-15
Packaged: 2020-02-29 13:00:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18778795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/epic_cephalopod/pseuds/epic_cephalopod
Summary: It seems Doctor Julian Bashir and station tailor Elim Garak are the first publicly known Human/Cardassian sexual pairing, and there are some...unanticipated issues which arise. Namely, licking a Cardassian gets you high. Julian seeks out advice, hilarity ensues.This fic is basically PG-13 - no on screen sex.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Инструкция «Как облизывать вашего кардассианца»](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22105138) by [Kollega](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kollega/pseuds/Kollega)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Julian has an...intimate...question

Jadzia was halfway through their rokeg blood pie when they saw their dinner companion square his shoulders and finally pluck up the courage to start the part of the conversation he’d been avoiding ever since he’d offered to treat them both to the Klingon restaurant for dinner.  _ (“It's important!” he had said “I need your...expertise and advise. As a scientist and friend.”) _ . Jadzia knew this moment well. He’d been discussing a new paper he’d been putting together when he suddenly trailed off. Jadzia briefly looked up at Bashir, who was frowning at his plate, fork in hand. They continued eating while the Doctor worked up his courage and asked whatever it was that was on his mind. 

"Jadzia? As far as you’re aware, have there been any other Cardassian/Human….relations?” Julian’s eyes darted side to side as he leaned towards his dining companion and spoke quietly.

“Hm? No, I don’t think so. Nothing quite so above board or public, anyway. Who know what happened during the war O’Brien fought in, it does weird things to people, why I remember a time when Curzon was in a war zone back on Solas V and he…”

Julian rushed on, interrupting his friend before they could start another long winded Curzon tale. “The literature is fairly thorough when it comes to Bajoran/Cardassian relations, as it were. What about other, ah, pairings?”   


“Aside from Cardassians and Bajorans, the only other species I’ve heard of pairing up with a Cardassian has been Quark and Natima, his lady friend from the Occupation. But wouldn’t Garak know more?” 

“Well you’d think so, but on this topic, his knowledge has been rather limited and he hasn’t come across anything similar to our situation.”

“You’re ‘situation’? How romantic.” Jadzia rolled their eyes. Males.

“Oh come on Jadzia, I’m not referring to our frie- relati- whatever the hell this is when I say situation, even I’m not that bad! It's just…” Julian blushed, looking down at his plate as if the gagh would somehow save him from this conversation he’d started. Some of them had started to escape, and he nudged them back onto his plate.

Jadzia looked at their friend, his cheeks red. “Julian...is...is this a sex thing?!” they exclaimed loudly, several other diners whipping their head around with interest at the sound of their CMO’s name and “sex thing” in the same sentence. 

Julian, who’d taken a sip of tea, choked at Jadzia’s question. Kaga, the ever vigilant Klingon chef flew over to pound Julian on the back as he sputtered and coughed.  Once he’d composed himself and thanked Kaga, the Klingon had sent a bottle of bloodwine to the table.  _ (“It's good for the constitution, young Doctor. Put’s the fire of battle in your blood and keeps you strong!” _ ).  Julian hadn’t planned to drink, but he was off shift until tomorrow and this conversation with Jadzia definitely needed some lubrication.

“It's...not a sex thing precisely. It's not even a BAD thing, its just…..weird. New? Unexpected maybe. It's quite enjoyable, actually, very relaxing and….” Julian drifted off, a small smile playing around the corner of his mouth and a soft, faraway look entered his eyes. 

Jadzia snapped their fingers in front of his face. “DS9 to Dr Bashir, come in Dr. Bashir!” The doctor’s eyes focused back to the present, and he gulped down half a glass of the blood wine. “Now that you’re back with us, please do go on.”

“Well, it appears that the kinat’hU, that is the the third scale down on the Cardassian’s neck ridges, emits a secretion during..um...states of arousal...and it has psychoactive and empathogenic effects.”

“Are you telling me licking an aroused Cardassian gets you high?” Jadzia cackled delightedly. This was going to be fun. 

“Technically only licking the kinat’hU will produce the effect, and as of now it seems sexual arousal incites the the production of knat’hU’el, though for all we know other bodily states could affect it too. Garak says that among Cardassians, it creates a mild, pleasurable state that encourages post coital bonding, but it seems that for Terrans, or at least for me…”

“...it has you tripping balls?” Jadzia finished, laughing.

“Well...I wouldn’t have put it that way myself but yes, it has me tripping balls. What's fascinating though, is how it appears to vary across species. It clearly doesn’t work for Bajorans, they were scrupulous in recording every detail of Cardassian xenobiology they could get their hands on, and I feel like they would have mentioned it. I don’t know if it happened to Quark…”

“...I imagine if it did he hated it or he’d be trying to lick Garak himself!” Jadzia guffawed at the thought.

Julian shuddered and poured himself another glass of bloodwine. “That's an image I didn’t need in my head, thanks Jadzia.”

“You’re most welcome” they made a small facetious toast at him with their mug.

“Anyway, I’m going to see if Garak will allow me to run some tests on the secretion, just to make sure it's truly safe to imbibe. I was hoping you or any of your past hosts had encountered anything similar to this, but I suppose not.”

“Not yet, unfortunately. This is….interesting, most interesting...completely unrelated, you and Garak...you’re not monogamous are you?”

Julian looked confused “What? No of course not! Why do you ask?”

“Oh, no reason, no reason at all…anyway, by “run more tests” do you mean...” Jadzia lowered their voice and started a very vulgar description of some ‘tests’ that thoroughly distracted the young doctor as he tried to quiet them down while they were still out in public.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Jadzia gets them some.

A week later, Jadzia was sauntering down to their Cardassian friend’s quarters. The two had struck up an odd friendship several years ago after they had interjected their opinion on Rigellian poetry during a particularly heated conversation between Garak and Bashir; Jadzia had thoroughly cemented Garak’s point and the two found quite a bit of common ground after that and developed a nice, if unexpected friendship. Jadzia, as a joined Trill, was always enthusiastic about new experiences, and Garak, well he enjoyed having one more friend on the station who could match his intellectual prowess. There were only so many ways to talk about fabric with customers after all. 

They had not made plans for the evening, but Jadzia had been thinking about their conversation with Julian earlier that week, and had grown curious, very curious indeed. They knocked, a pleasant but predatory grin on their face as the door slid open, Garak freezing at the look on his sometimes companion’s face.

“Good evening Garak! May I come in?” they waved a bottle of Betazoid cordial in his general direction as Garak allowed them to come in. 

“...of course. Good evening, Lieutenant Dax. I don’t believe we had plans this evening, unless I somehow forgot?” He knew they hadn’t had any plans set, and was he was concerned at the sudden presence of a Federation officer in his quarters, even one he considered a friend. 

“Just Jadzia tonight, I’m off duty.”  They smiled as Garak relaxed, understanding this was a social visit, not anything official. 

Garak gestured to the couch as he walked over to the replicator, and Dax threw themselves down, enthusiastically uncorking the thick cordial.

“So what brings you to my quarters this evening? Is everything all right?” Garak sat on the other end of the couch, handing two glasses to Dax who filled a generous measure for the both of them. 

“Oh, things are just fine, thank you for asking. By the way, have I mentioned how glad I am that you and Julian finally made this” they vaguely gestured at the Cardassian “work out. It's nice seeing you both happy.” They didn’t mention they’d also begun to get tired of hearing the two mooning over each other, in their own ways. If they hadn’t gotten together on their own, Jadzia had been three weeks out from locking them in a cargo bay with some of that sex pollen they’d saved from an expedition to Omicron Persi III.  You never know when sex pollen will come in handy. 

“Why thank you. I’m quite fond of him.” Garak finished his cordial.   
  
“Likewise. And I have to say…I had the most  _ interesting _ discussion with Julian earlier this week about you, and it's been on my mind.” Jadzia edged closer to Garak on the couch.

“Oh?” Garak had stiffened at the mention of Julian talking about him. He knew the young man would probably share things with his friends, and he trusted him to be discreet, but it was still disconcerting to realize Julian had gone to Jadzia.

“Yes indeed. He mentioned there was a particular...ah...location from which you produce a mind altering substance.” they inched a little closer to the Cardassian.

Garak sighed. He ought to have know it would be this. There was a reason Cardassians were notoriously discreet about their biology and tended to discourage xenophilic tendencies in its citizens “Ah yes, the kinat’hU. I can understand your concern as a scientist Jadzia, but I assure you the good doctor is quite safe. I hope he explained that it is a harmless to the humanoids who feel its effects.”

“He did mention, and that he would be thorough in running tests to confirm that.”

“Then, may I ask, what is your concern regarding the kinat’hU’el?”

“To be completely frank Garak, I’d like to try it out. It sounds like quite an experience.”

“Excuse me, Lieutenant?”

“Oh don’t act so surprised. I’m a joined Trill - seeking out new knowledge, experiences, and so on are what we do. This isn’t the first mind altering substance a Dax has been curious about, and it won’t be the last.” they grinned lasciviously at the tailor.

“You do realize I would need to be in an aroused state in order for kinat’hU’el to be produced, correct?” Garak choked out, surprised, but not entirely unhappy with their forwardness. 

“Oh, well,  _ that _ shouldn’t be a problem, at least not from where I’m sitting” Jadiza purred at him.

“You are sitting on my lap.” They were, in fact, now straddling the Cardassian, who was still sitting up right holding his cup. 

“Exactly!” Jadzia set the cup away and placed Garak’s hands on their waist, grinning down at their friend as they started to unzip their uniform. 

“Well, I suppose this isn’t  _ entirely  _ objectionable, now that you’ve made the suggestion.” Garak murmured, appreciating the spotted skin becoming bare before his eyes. “I suppose we could see how things  _ pan out _ , as it were.”

“I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that awful pun and try to distract you now.” Jadzia moved Garak’s hands further up their waist as they leaned down to kiss him, searching for the fastenings of his shirt. 

Garak sighed and relaxed against the couch, not bothering to pretend he didn’t enjoy the attention as Jadzia kissed him breathless. The Trill was quite attractive, and Garak was’t about to complain about a beautiful, intelligent person seducing him for his kinat’hU’el.  “Oh alright. But you top. I’m exhausted, Julian has been *most* rigorous in his….studies.”

Jadzia grinned, and showed him what three hundred years and seven lifetimes of experience could do. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wherein Garak does not hide, but performs a strategic retreat

For a couple of week, everything on Deep Space Nine was relatively normal.

Odo caught Quark in yet another attempt at setting up a Cardassian vole fighting ring -  a terrible idea, if you asked Garak, which Quark had not. Nasty little creatures, prone to infighting and stubborn to a fault - and the voles were terrible as well.

There was an incident when young Mr. Sisko and his friend Nog nearly came to blows on the promenade, as it seems they had each been helping the other woo the same young lady, who ultimately spurned them both. The old double Cyranno.

Starfleet had some sort of medical incident which kept Julian tied up for the better part of a week, when the first incident happened.  Garak was walking across the Replimat to eat his lunch alone, when someone caught his eye across the room. A Vulcan was looking at him and...smiling...it was quick, but that was definitely a smile. How odd. Ensign T’sela had always been polite to him, as was logical, but she had never been particularly friendly even by Vulcan standards. Garak gave a polite nod to her as he sat with his meal.  

Apparently she took the nod as an invitation and brought her lunch over. Most illogical. How interesting.

“Mr. Garak, may I join you?”

“Just Garak please, Ensign. Plain, simple Garak. Please.” he gestured at the seat across from him, curious to see how this would play out.

“Thank you.” She sat primly “I have heard you’re quite knowledgeable on literature. I have currently been engaged with a personal  survey of the classical literature from various cultures.”

“A most commendable endeavor, Ensign.” Garak was still unsure of the Vulcan’s intent, but a literary conversation...well that was practically catnip for the tailor. “Tell me, what have you studied so far?”

“I started with the Vulcan classics of course, and then several Terrans texts while I was studying at the Academy. I found it most logical to study the literature of cultures I work closely with, particularly as I can usually find someone willing to engage in discussion.”

“An excellent idea! A native reader familiar with the culture and text is always an excellent resource. I myself have always found that an excellent way to learn about other species.”

“Agreed; which was why I was hoping you would permit me to ask if you would be willing to discuss some Cardassian literature with me. I have just finished what I am informed is one of foundational texts of Cardassian culture…”

“Ahhhhh, you haven’t read “The Never Ending Sacrifice” have you?” exclaimed Garak

“I have.” was that another smile Garak saw? “I found it most fascinating indeed and I had a few questions.”

“Please, go on. I’m always more than happy to discuss The Never Ending Sacrifice ” Garak said with much enthusiasm. Perhaps the Ensign, being a logical being, would appreciate the nature of the sacrifices and the form of the repetitive epic.

Before she could speak, however, a notification chime came from her combadge.

“Unfortunately Mr. Garak, it seems my lunch will be over in two minutes. Perhaps we could discuss this further after my shift?”

He nodded, and they arrange to meet at her quarters.

\---

Later on, Garak recalled thinking that was most odd, but he _did_ have a bit of a blind spot when it came to literature.

Ensign T’sela was a most amenable host; he noticed right away they had increased the temperature and there was kanar to share, along with intelligent conversation which turned into a rather intense debate, which Garak found...well, quite stimulating indeed.

When he stood to leave, she rather logically pointed out his inflamed state and offered to help him ‘achieve release’ rather matter of factly before slipping her arms around his neck and kissing him.  

It would have been most illogical to refuse, after all.

The next day, there was a sudden uptick of Starfleet personnel stopping by his shop for minor repairs and general browsing.  At first, Garak thought there must have been some sort of Federation holiday happening, perhaps one not celebrated by Bashir, so he might not have mentioned it. Everyone stopping in his shop was *quite* friendly by human standards.

The day after that three Bolians asked him on a collective date, and Garak was pretty sure he’d seen Kaga actually look him up and down as he passed him on the promenade.

The fourth day after lunch with the Vulcan ensign, Garak was sure something was wrong on the station. The normally solitary tailor had had multiple invitations to lunch, dinner, collective dates, and had found at least one human semi nude in his shop’s dressing room.  
  
Garak had made several discreet inquiries to Constable Odo about the situation, but the changeling just harrumphed and said something about an embarrassment of riches.

The seventh day, he was being propositioned so regularly that a polite no thank you became automatic. Even if he was interested in each offer, he was only one man, after all.

It wasn’t really a problem, per se, until the tenth day. By the tenth day, Garak was barely leaving his quarters or his shop, running from one to the other. He could barely turn a corner without someone leering at him, and it all came to a head when a Klingon ship docked at the station. One of them came to his shop and  initiated a mating bite, and backed him into a corner of his shop rather aggressively. Verbal descalation had failed him, and he’d ended up smashing a sizing model over his would be beau’s head and applying a firm elbow to the throat.

After that, it seemed all bets were off. He had dragged the Klingon out of his shop and locked up.  He entered Quark’s for a drink before informing Odo of his assault (both the one he committed and the one committed upon himself) and Morn caught his eye and winked as he sat down across the bar.  Within moments Quark popped up and offered him a kanar, compliments of the Lurian.

“Quark, what in guls name is going on?” Garak snapped at the bartender, who jumped at the bite in his voice.

“Whatever do you mean Garak? It seems like your enjoying quite a bit of luck in love these days.” he indicated the drink he was holding and the bite on the older man’s cheek. “Is that so bad?”

“This is getting ridiculous. I have been on this station for many years now and never received this level of attention. I have been propositioned no less than thirty seven times in the past seven days by no less than four different humanoid species and oh for guls sake what?!” Garak snapped as he whirled around to the Dabo girl who’d sidled up to him, sliding her arm around his waist.  She backed off immediately, scurrying back to the Dabo table.

“Weeellll…..” Quark hemmed, weighing the pros and cons of being the one to clue him in vs Garak finding out that Quark knew and hadn’t told him. “Well it's like this. You know ol’ Morn here can’t keep a secret right?”

Garak gave a sharp nod. “Of course, no one tells Morn anything important, unless one wants everyone to know about it.”

“...and you know how Jadzia has always been kind of sweet on Morn right?”

“Oh no. They didn’t ever.”

“They certainly did. Last week they came in here in and the two of them got to talking and Jadzia went shot for shot with him and the next thing you know, I heard them telling Morn all about the, ah, experience you two had, and about the kinat’hU’el…”

“And now everyone on the station thinks they have a shot at getting high after getting into my trousers?!” Garak ground out through gritted teeth.

“Something like that.” The Ferengi shrugged. “I don’t particularly get it but you know how biology is. Just doesn’t seem to affect Ferengi. Now beetle snuff, that's more my speed. Speaking of…” Quark dug around in his pocket for the vile snuff.  Garak finished his drink, paying Quark himself. It wouldn't do to let Morn think he had a chance. Garak had far, far too many secrets to allow that to happen.

Just then, his would be Klingon paramour appeared in the doorway with two friends. He started towards Garak after scanning the room, but before he could reach him Morn, who’d been keeping a close eye on the tailor, stood, blocking their path.

“Quark, don’t you dare tell me you don’t have a back way out of here and so help me guls if you don’t point me towards it right now I will literally murder you in your sleep.” Quark, well aware it was not an idle threat, and pointed the way.

Garak did not escape without notice, and two Federation officers spotted him, heading in his direction with interest.  He dove behind a table as the two ensigns rushed past, and started sneaking back towards the main entrance, hoping the brawl about to start would give him cover.  Morn had just taken a shot at one of the Klingons when Garak slipped past, but did not evade the Lurian’s notice. Morn winked again, and one of the Klingon’s saw, turning around quickly before Morn leaped on his back.

Garak ran.  Shamelessly, quickly, he ran like a riding hound with a spur to its bollocks, but everywhere he turned there seemed to be a humanoid making eyes at him, and he was sure that at the very least the Klingon was trying to follow him.

Finally, he ran to the only place he could think of that would be relatively safe - the infirmary. Julian would help him, and the majority of the staff were Bajoran, and thus immune to his...charms.

“Dr Bashir! A moment of your time please?” he gasped out, as he burst into his office. Julian, who’d been working at his computer terminal jumped to his feet. “Lock the door please!”

“Garak my gods, what's wrong? Are you all right?” he started to come around the desk, but Garak could hear a commotion outside the infirmary. They’d found him.

 _“Julian by the Union lock the damn door!”_ Garak hissed

Shocked by the use of his given name, the doctor froze; Garak rushed past him and slammed the emergency lock button in a hidden panel on the walls - a remnant from the Cardassian Occupation he’d neglected to tell the senior staff about, and they’d clearly never found it because he heard the whoosh of the locks and finally breathed a sigh of relief, laughing a little hysterically as he slid down to the floor, safe for the time being. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where in Garak gets help, Dax admits guilt, Bashir has an idea that will work, and Sisko is Not Pleased

Once Garak had been administered a sedative and been calmed down, Sisko had the man beamed directly into his office in ops. Captain Dad was Not Pleased.

“What in the name of HELL is going on on my station? Everything seems to be centered around YOU Mr Garak, and if this is one of your schemes….”

“Now Captain I did absolutely nothing to initiate or encourage this!”

“I’ve heard reports of fights in Quarks, on the Promenade, at least two reports of folks trying to break into you're shop, and humanoids prowling around the habitat ring apparently looking for YOU Mr. Garak.” Sisko jabbed a finger in the tailors direction.

“It most certainly is not my doing! I am, if anything, the victim in all this.” Garak sputtered, outraged. "I've been seduced, assaulted, chased across the station! I can barely move from my quarters to my shop!"

“If not you, then who?” at that, there was a tap on the door and the Captain could see Lt Dax gultily looking through the window, along with a scowling Dr Bashir. He gestured for them both to enter.

“Um, Benjamin...this one is actually my fault. Garak really is innocent.” Dax looked at the Cardassian and winked “Well...innocent in this situation.”

Garak glared as Bashir elbowed them in the ribs.

“Ok right, right, definitely not the time I get it.” Jadzia briefly explained what had been happening, with the barest of details for which the Captain was grateful. After Jadzia revealed that it had been their indiscreet admission to Morn that had started the whole situation, Sisko had to admit he did feel a bit more sympathetic for Mr. Garak.

“Well Mr Garak, it seems I owe you an apology, and some assistance getting this sorted out. Anyone have ideas?”

“Well sir, Jadzia and I did have on idea, but...well I don’t think you’re going to like it.” Bashir pushed a PADD towards the Captain. “The issue is everyone is after the high from the kinat’hU’el, but they need Garak to get to it. I can synthesize a similarly functional and safe compound, but its going to take at least two weeks.”

“TWO WEEKS?” Garak actually swooned, though didn’t go as far as to pass out. Sisko was kind enough to catch the man and help him sit. “I can’t survive another two weeks of this.”

“I fail to see what about this *I* won’t like.” said Sisko, idly patting the older Cardassian’s hand as the man dissolved into soft whimpers.

“Well sir, we though, to deal with the ah...needs of the people in the mean time, we could enlist some outside help.” Dr Bashir refused to make eye contact with the Captain or the tailor. 

“Outside help?” the Captain frowned, confused.

Garak sat up, eyes wide. “Julian you don’t mean…”

Bashir forged ahead “There are several Cardassian ships in this section of the Quadrant that are within hours of the station. We could send out a low priority distress signal explaining the situation. I’m sure at least one of them could be persuaded to send their crew down for some shore leave.” by now the doctor was crimson, and Jadzia was examining their nails. 

Sisko sighed heavily. “Well, I’m sure it would improve relations between us an the Cardassians, and give Mr Garak here some breathing space until the Doctor comes up with a synthesized replacement.”

Garak buried his face in his hands. “I’m never going to live this down, am I?”

“I’m sure that depends on who shows up.” Sisko patted the tailor hand once more before returning to his desk. “It seems like our best option. I’ll get that signal drafted and transmitted right away. Dismissed.”

As the others gathers themselves to go, he spoke again. “Oh and Old Man? Since you started this, you’re personally responsible for Mr. Garak’s safety until this is over.”

“Yes Sir.” Dax nodded, guiding a shell shocked Garak out the door with Julian trailing behind them both.

\----

<aboard the Cardassian Galor Class Ship Aldara, Gul S.G. Dukat >

“Gul Dukat sir? We’ve received an urgent message from the Federation. It was put out to all Cardassian vessels within the general area, flagged urgent, but with no danger, text only.” Damar handed a Cardassian PADD to Dukat, who flicked it open and scanned it quickly as he began to grin.

“Excellent...excellent...Damar, send a message to the rest of the fleet, tell them to disregard, we have the situation in hand. Then, inform the crew we’ll be docking for shore leave at Deep Space Nine.”

“Shore leave sir? On DS9? I thought we weren’t allowed back for a few months after yo….uh, after the diplomatic incident with the senior staff.” Damar caught himself. He hadn’t stayed Dukat’s second in command by being foolish, and wasn’t going to be the one who reminded Dukat that the incident involved Kira shouting at Dukat and tossing the contents of a carafe of yamok sauce in his face, narrowly missing him with the carafe itself, thrown next. How he wished he had been there, but the images Glinn Caravel had taken were definitely worth the latinum he’d had to slip the other man.

“Ahhhh yes. But that was before the humans found out about the kinat’hU.” Damar, as well as several other officers all turned to their Gul at that, gazes sharp.

“They...found out about the kinat’hU?!” Damar eyes were wide.

“That's right boys. The Terrans have discovered the pleasures of the kinat’hU’el. It seems that gutless spy and the CMO have finally consummated their outrageous flirting...one thing lead to another and they need our help. Apparently Garak has been getting chased around the station by Terrans mad with lust and curiosity. Now glinns, get this ship turned around, stat!”

“Aye aye sir!” The officers on deck saluted and rushed off to their tasks, as Gul Dukat stood proudly, hands on his hips.

“Ahhh Damar, I knew this day would come, when the Federation would finally need us, need me. It's a good thing I have that very sexy learning disability.” Dukat said with relish. “Whats it called again Damar?”

Damar sighed heavily as he set the course, shoulders tight. He hated this.

“Damaaaaar. What is it called Damar?” Dukat crooned.

Damar was glad his station was behind the captain’s chair and well out of view. Dukat couldn't see him violently rolling his eyes as he gave the only expected reply.

“Damaaaarrrrrrrr!”

Oh for guls sake. “....sexlexia…" he hissed through gritted teeth. 

Honestly, whomever it was that let Dukat watch ancient Terran television programs should be shot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dukat basically IS Zapp Brannigan. My favourite Zapp/Dukat line is "Ah yes Kiff, the way to a woman's bed is through her parents. Sleep with them, and your in!"

**Author's Note:**

> Credit to Tinsnip's [Speculative Cardassian Reproductive Xenobiology](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1719479) for thoughts and inspiration on Cardassian anatomy and sex, specifically the "kinat'hU"
> 
> kinat’hU’el - the secretion produced by the kinat'hU. 
> 
> Based on a writing prompt I posted on tumblr forever ago. I would LOVE to see other people play with this idea. I hope this is as amusing for y'all as it was for me. 
> 
> My initial prompt:  
> Cardassian xenobiology. 
> 
> Premise: Garak and Bashir are the first human/Cardassian pairing known to have existed as far as either governments scientists are aware of. Turns out, Cardassians have a chemical/gland/neurotoxin/phbelbotinum with psychoactive effects. 
> 
> TLDR: Licking a Cardassian makes some humanoids trip balls. (Humans specifically, but we know from cannon that Ferengi and Bajorans don’t have a reaction, Vorta would not (poison resistance)
> 
> Further possibility: Julian accidentally lets it slip to Jadzia, she manages to talk Garak in to letting her try (They’re drinking buddies) and Jadzia tells Quark and suddenly all bets are off and the station humanoids are trying to lick the tailor.
> 
> BONUS SOMEONE TRIES TO LICK DUKAT


End file.
